Feedback challenge - response for ![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
lizamanynames
Jan. 23rd, 2006 10:53 amtommygirlI didn't have access to my computer to post this when it was technically due, so I apologize for the tardiness, but attached is feedback for ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
lizamanynames, who I was assigned to during the Feedback Challenge.
Feedback Challenge forlizamanynames (writing journal is lady_smith)
1. Talking Heroes – Farscape - http://lady-smith.livejournal.com/11261.html
This story is comprised of a series of seven 100-word drabbles. Each drabble is a small glimpse at Stark and Crichton and the dynamic between the two. The author manages to work in some pop culture references, which is a necessity when writing a good John Crichton, but even better, the reader gets to see it from Stark’s point of view as he learns what these things are.
My favorite thing about this though is the journey that Stark takes, even if it’s within his own head, from the beginning until the end. He seems finally ready to let go and move on at the end, and I think that’s what anyone who loved the show wanted for him really. Peace.
2. As Constant as the Stars – Firefly - http://lady-smith.livejournal.com/6340.html
I loved the idea of this story – the reactions of the crew in regards to all the Mal/Inara fighting. It’s an interesting perspective into the Mal/Inara dynamic.
Now, I’m the first to admit that I’m not a huge Mal/Inara shipper, but this story rings true the same as the canon. There is no denying the attraction between the two characters and/or the need for the two of them to act upon this attraction…however, there is no clear answer whether it would be a good thing or bad thing if that happened. The crew seems to be torn on the idea as much as most of the Firefly audience. And I really liked that about this story. Because there is no clear answer except that something is going on between Mal and Inara and everyone knows it.
I also loved the spat between Mal and Inara. "...and that is exactly the sort of pig-headed, low brow ignorance I've come to expect from you, Mal Reynolds!" the female voice exclaimed, only an air of dignity preventing it form being shrieking.
The voices ring true for me during this exchange. I would love to know what they were fighting about, but at the same time, on the show I sometimes wondered if those two even knew what they were fighting about.
While on the subject of good voices, the Jayne voice struck me as dead on. Jayne shook his head. "They ain't never gonna get it off their britches, and that girl ain't never gonna talk anything but gobbledy-gook." He held up the gun sight he'd been polishing. "Some things are as constant as the stars...." That is perfect Jayne and that’s like the big thing for me in this fandom. You must do justice to my favorite character or I will cry. So I didn’t need to cry and I must thank the author for that. Also, it really helps this story because, while he’s blunt (and often times crude), Jayne does speak truth from time to time…and it’s always struck me as more powerful than if the same type of thing were to come from a character like Simon.
A few small nitpicks:
-"The Lord moves in mysterious ways, Zoë." the Shepherd intoned. This was met with general derision by nearly everyone except Kaylee, who was far too polite, Wash and Simon, who were busy, and River, who had been thoughtfully staring into space the entire time. This wasn’t very clear to me in that was it only met by derision by Zoë and Jane? Or was it Kaylee the only one NOT annoyed by it? Because the way it’s phrased here leaves it unclear since there is mention of Kaylee, Wash, Simon, and River in the same sentence. And then if they’re all not “with general derision” it doesn’t really apply to use “everyone” in the sentence. I do agree that both Zoë and Jayne would be likely to roll their eyes at a comment like that from Sheppard though.
-It’s okay to use “said.” Repeatedly. It’s much less distracting to the reader than using words like “intoned” “grunted” “snarled.”
Overall, I truly enjoyed this story. It’s an interesting look at the dynamic of the ship in a sense – how they all react to the Captain and Inara’s relationship and how it affects them all.
3. A Father’s Duty – Harry Potter – http://lady-smith.livejournal.com/1653.html
This story is creepy and dark, but an intriguing idea. Reading it through I was stricken by how horrible Lucius was, yet it’s completely believable that he would act the way he did. The Malfoy name and its perceived importance are the most significant things to him.
The best part of this story though is the idea of Draco wanting to protect his little sister from all the things he was unable to protect himself from…and to see him finally turn against the things that his father teaches him.
A dark, creepy read, but I thoroughly enjoyed it.
4. Comforts of Home – Farscape – http://lady-smith.livejournal.com/25180.html
This is a very short piece, but the reason I chose it is because of the Rygel voice. Because, despite how annoying and uncaring he could appear at times throughout the show and the Peacekeeper Wars, Rygel definitely has been changed by the experiences he has encountered and the friends he has made. This ficlet does a great job of showing that. And I loved this line in regards to slaves: I was so much happier before I knew they were people.
5. The Devil’s Right Hand – Firefly – http://lady-smith.livejournal.com/14301.html
I always love backstory fics on characters that I love. And I don’t love many characters more than Mal Reynolds on Firefly (Jayne has nicer arms and therefore wins!). This is a great look at how Mal slowly became the guy the audience knows in canon, how he even when he makes his first kill it’s because of his own moral code of right and wrong – the Company & the Alliance taking over and telling people how to live and snatching land from others is wrong.
But then he said something that quick caught my ear. "By god, I can't wait till the Alliance comes in and takes over this hole like it will all the Company worlds! Get some gorram civilization!" He was going to continue on in that vein for a while, I reckon, but I'll never know 'cause just then I shot him.
I love this piece because it’s perfect Mal reaction – all the while he is unaware of his own ideas of right and wrong. And that’s something we consistently see in the show. That he sees himself as the bad guy who doesn’t care about anyone but himself, but others see that it’s not true. There are things and ideals and people that he cares about.
I also love the way Mal remembers his grandmother and it adds to the person he is now. Because I think his reactions to things are quite similar to hers. She had this way, even when she was screaming at me for some idiot thing I'd done, that meant everything she said had "I love you" tucked in somewhere. This line makes me think of Mal’s interactions with his crew, specifically Kaylee and Zoe. How his way of showing he cares is different.
The one area that was a little weak was the Mal voice at the beginning. It became much stronger by the end of the story, but as this was a first POV piece, a few more tweaks to the first bits might’ve aided the story to be more true to the character. It wasn’t too bad in that it distracted from the story, but it’s something
Aside from that, I think this is a strong story that works on its own. There were a few typos that might be caught with a second read-through a day or so after it was written, but again, it’s nothing too distracting that it takes away from the enjoyment of the story. I definitely recommend it if you enjoy Mal genfic.
lizamanynames, who I was assigned to during the Feedback Challenge.Feedback Challenge for
lizamanynames (writing journal is lady_smith)1. Talking Heroes – Farscape - http://lady-smith.livejournal.com/11261.html
This story is comprised of a series of seven 100-word drabbles. Each drabble is a small glimpse at Stark and Crichton and the dynamic between the two. The author manages to work in some pop culture references, which is a necessity when writing a good John Crichton, but even better, the reader gets to see it from Stark’s point of view as he learns what these things are.
My favorite thing about this though is the journey that Stark takes, even if it’s within his own head, from the beginning until the end. He seems finally ready to let go and move on at the end, and I think that’s what anyone who loved the show wanted for him really. Peace.
2. As Constant as the Stars – Firefly - http://lady-smith.livejournal.com/6340.html
I loved the idea of this story – the reactions of the crew in regards to all the Mal/Inara fighting. It’s an interesting perspective into the Mal/Inara dynamic.
Now, I’m the first to admit that I’m not a huge Mal/Inara shipper, but this story rings true the same as the canon. There is no denying the attraction between the two characters and/or the need for the two of them to act upon this attraction…however, there is no clear answer whether it would be a good thing or bad thing if that happened. The crew seems to be torn on the idea as much as most of the Firefly audience. And I really liked that about this story. Because there is no clear answer except that something is going on between Mal and Inara and everyone knows it.
I also loved the spat between Mal and Inara. "...and that is exactly the sort of pig-headed, low brow ignorance I've come to expect from you, Mal Reynolds!" the female voice exclaimed, only an air of dignity preventing it form being shrieking.
The voices ring true for me during this exchange. I would love to know what they were fighting about, but at the same time, on the show I sometimes wondered if those two even knew what they were fighting about.
While on the subject of good voices, the Jayne voice struck me as dead on. Jayne shook his head. "They ain't never gonna get it off their britches, and that girl ain't never gonna talk anything but gobbledy-gook." He held up the gun sight he'd been polishing. "Some things are as constant as the stars...." That is perfect Jayne and that’s like the big thing for me in this fandom. You must do justice to my favorite character or I will cry. So I didn’t need to cry and I must thank the author for that. Also, it really helps this story because, while he’s blunt (and often times crude), Jayne does speak truth from time to time…and it’s always struck me as more powerful than if the same type of thing were to come from a character like Simon.
A few small nitpicks:
-"The Lord moves in mysterious ways, Zoë." the Shepherd intoned. This was met with general derision by nearly everyone except Kaylee, who was far too polite, Wash and Simon, who were busy, and River, who had been thoughtfully staring into space the entire time. This wasn’t very clear to me in that was it only met by derision by Zoë and Jane? Or was it Kaylee the only one NOT annoyed by it? Because the way it’s phrased here leaves it unclear since there is mention of Kaylee, Wash, Simon, and River in the same sentence. And then if they’re all not “with general derision” it doesn’t really apply to use “everyone” in the sentence. I do agree that both Zoë and Jayne would be likely to roll their eyes at a comment like that from Sheppard though.
-It’s okay to use “said.” Repeatedly. It’s much less distracting to the reader than using words like “intoned” “grunted” “snarled.”
Overall, I truly enjoyed this story. It’s an interesting look at the dynamic of the ship in a sense – how they all react to the Captain and Inara’s relationship and how it affects them all.
3. A Father’s Duty – Harry Potter – http://lady-smith.livejournal.com/1653.html
This story is creepy and dark, but an intriguing idea. Reading it through I was stricken by how horrible Lucius was, yet it’s completely believable that he would act the way he did. The Malfoy name and its perceived importance are the most significant things to him.
The best part of this story though is the idea of Draco wanting to protect his little sister from all the things he was unable to protect himself from…and to see him finally turn against the things that his father teaches him.
A dark, creepy read, but I thoroughly enjoyed it.
4. Comforts of Home – Farscape – http://lady-smith.livejournal.com/25180.html
This is a very short piece, but the reason I chose it is because of the Rygel voice. Because, despite how annoying and uncaring he could appear at times throughout the show and the Peacekeeper Wars, Rygel definitely has been changed by the experiences he has encountered and the friends he has made. This ficlet does a great job of showing that. And I loved this line in regards to slaves: I was so much happier before I knew they were people.
5. The Devil’s Right Hand – Firefly – http://lady-smith.livejournal.com/14301.html
I always love backstory fics on characters that I love. And I don’t love many characters more than Mal Reynolds on Firefly (Jayne has nicer arms and therefore wins!). This is a great look at how Mal slowly became the guy the audience knows in canon, how he even when he makes his first kill it’s because of his own moral code of right and wrong – the Company & the Alliance taking over and telling people how to live and snatching land from others is wrong.
But then he said something that quick caught my ear. "By god, I can't wait till the Alliance comes in and takes over this hole like it will all the Company worlds! Get some gorram civilization!" He was going to continue on in that vein for a while, I reckon, but I'll never know 'cause just then I shot him.
I love this piece because it’s perfect Mal reaction – all the while he is unaware of his own ideas of right and wrong. And that’s something we consistently see in the show. That he sees himself as the bad guy who doesn’t care about anyone but himself, but others see that it’s not true. There are things and ideals and people that he cares about.
I also love the way Mal remembers his grandmother and it adds to the person he is now. Because I think his reactions to things are quite similar to hers. She had this way, even when she was screaming at me for some idiot thing I'd done, that meant everything she said had "I love you" tucked in somewhere. This line makes me think of Mal’s interactions with his crew, specifically Kaylee and Zoe. How his way of showing he cares is different.
The one area that was a little weak was the Mal voice at the beginning. It became much stronger by the end of the story, but as this was a first POV piece, a few more tweaks to the first bits might’ve aided the story to be more true to the character. It wasn’t too bad in that it distracted from the story, but it’s something
Aside from that, I think this is a strong story that works on its own. There were a few typos that might be caught with a second read-through a day or so after it was written, but again, it’s nothing too distracting that it takes away from the enjoyment of the story. I definitely recommend it if you enjoy Mal genfic.
