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tommygirlThe trip to the hospital and the subsequent three hours of waiting for Dean to come out of surgery were the longest in Sam’s life. He was used to his family being hurt – it was part of the life, was what his father always said – but this was different. He wasn’t sure if it was because of the demon that had caused this mess, how the demon had used his father to hurt Dean in so many ways, or because it was so much worse than anything they had ever been through.
Normally, one or maybe two of them got hurt, never this badly. And never all at once. He still couldn’t figure out how it happened, how the demon had gotten the upperhand so quickly.
Sam avoided his father’s gaze when they were placed in the same hospital room. The nurses offered something about keeping the family together, but Sam was scared to death of picking up the fight where they left off. His father was still pissed at him for not killing the demon when he had a chance. His father probably blamed him for what had happened afterward, what Dean was going through.
God knew that Sam already blamed himself enough for both of them.
Sam shut his eyes, but the image of his brother pinned to the wall and bleeding wouldn’t leave him. He had failed him. It wasn’t the first time. Sam was beginning to realize that he had committed a lifetime’s worth of failures where Dean was concerned. Dean always forgave him though. Dean always let it go, muttering something about how brothers just know things and that it didn’t matter.
Sam hoped that he would get to hear Dean say that one more time. Dean knew how to alleviate Sam’s pain – with a crude joke, a small pat on the back, or a knowing stare that said “Stop blaming yourself, asshole” – and as selfish as it was, Sam needed that right then. He needed Dean.
“Sam? How are you doing?”
Sam opened his eyes and glanced at his father. Sam shrugged, wincing in pain at the movement, and replied, “I’m okay. You?”
“I’m fine. Worried about you and your brother.”
“Yeah. Me too.”
John nodded and leaned back in his bed. He shifted his gaze back and forth between the door and Sam before replying, “Some things were said, Sammy.”
“Dad…”
“Things that shouldn’t have been.”
Sam’s mouth dropped open and upon noticing the expression on his father’s face – was that remorse? Did John Winchester even know what an apology was? – Sam’s mouth gaped a bit more. Sam couldn’t help but wonder if maybe his father was still possessed.
“Don’t get me wrong. You should listen when I give an order…”
Okay. It was still his dad.
“…but there are some orders that shouldn’t be given, especially if it makes you think that you boys don’t matter to me.”
“Dad, we don’t think that.”
“Yes, you do. You both do. I could see it Dean’s eyes when that son of a bitch was controlling me.”
“I don’t think you’re the only one Dean doubts.”
“Your brother loves you, Sam. That’s been obvious since the day you came home from the hospital and your mother let him hold you.” John paused. He got that faraway look he sometimes wore when he was thinking about Mary and continued, “Everyone kept telling us to prepare for the worst, that Dean would be jealous of you, how he was going to be a handful, but it never happened. Dean would talk about you for hours to anyone who would listen, telling them how he was going to be the best big brother ever and always keep you safe.”
“Dean did that?” Sam replied. Off his father’s nod and small smile, Sam felt his throat tighten and the drilling sensation in his gut returned. He had been pretty good about keeping all his emotions at bay since the ambulance had arrived. Once the first tears fell though, it was like an eruption inside him and he couldn’t stop. He silently cursed himself, but that only made it that much harder to get control.
He hated that he was so damn weak and that his father was seeing him like this. He could hear his father’s voice in his head, thundering on about holding it together, as Sam managed to take a few deep breaths. He kept repeating to himself that Dean would be fine over and over in his head until he finally managed to calm down.
Sam ran his hands across his face, removing any evidence of his breakdown, and muttered, “Sorry” in his father’s direction.
“Dean’s gonna make it. That demon is not taking another member of our family. You hear me?” When Sam didn’t respond, his father added, “Your brother is a fighter.”
Sam didn’t ask the question on his mind – exactly how much fight was Dean expected to have left? That demon had torn Dean up worse emotionally than it ever could physically. Sam wasn’t sure how Dean would handle processing all those things the demon had said. Sam wasn’t sure how any of them would deal with it, considering how tight-lipped Dean preferred to be about anything involving feelings.
Sam wasn’t much of the praying sort. It wasn’t that he didn’t believe in God, he just didn’t have much use for him most of the time. But Sam was willing to do whatever it took to ensure that his brother made it through this so that he could make things right.
There were things Dean needed to hear, whether he wanted to or not.
c. Dean wakes up and Sam and Dean have a talk.
d. Sam fears for the worst.
